i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
