I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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