Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
