Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
His hands were made for my vagina.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
