I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
