I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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