If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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