You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
