I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
