I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
