I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
