Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
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