i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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