plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
the condom got lost in my hair
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Randomize
