I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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