i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
