Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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