look no pants
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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