tell your sister to shave her snatch
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
