Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
