My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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