Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
