i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
