You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
