please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
