I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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