Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
