life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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