Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Randomize
