if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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