so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
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Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
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I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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