if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
