i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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