Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
