I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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