the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize