I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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