Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Randomize
