someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
