Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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