im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
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