just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
