i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Houston, we have a blender
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
