i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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