Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
