Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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