Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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