The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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