MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
