So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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