Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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