Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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