Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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