I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
