I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
