No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Can Purell be used as lube?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
