Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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