Having a random hookup so left but love u
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
