You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
