Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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