I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
