I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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